Co-dependency and Narcissism

Co-dependency and Narcissism

Someone wrote to me wanting me to cover the aspects of bad relationships/friendships I spoke of before. In the New Year, clean house. If you feel icky around someone, cut the tie. Do it without anger, without judgment. Often saying to yourself, “I hope that person finds others to be around that work in their life. It’s time now for me to leave.” Is a peaceful exit mentally. Walk away maturely and with your head held high rather than engaging in continuous knock down drag outs.

For the person who wrote to me asking me to write about codependency and narcissism, remember I am not an expert. I will post below an excerpt from Wikipedia on the subject.

If you fall into any of these categories, get help and most of all re evaluate the people around you. Narcissists rarely change. Narcissists attract Codependents. If you keep complaining about narcissists in your life chances are you either are one too, (refer to inverted narcissists,) or you are codependent attracted to feeling “needed” therefore you won’t let go.

You may be an Inverted narcissist yourself and not even know it. Does your narcissist think you are a saint? As is said in Wikipedia, the inverted narcissist is seeking their own rewards,” compulsive care-giving, supplies of gratitude, love and attention will always be readily available … [pseudo-]saintly.”

Put up with a narcissist? That makes you saint? Get off on being called a saint? Bingo, you just landed into your own world of narcissism.

A little bit of narcissism is good and healthy, but if it’s making those around you miserable? That’s the time to look in the mirror. And if you are a victim regardless of reason, jump out of that label quickly. Only you can do it. No one can do it for you.

Let go. Life shouldn’t be this difficult. And it isn’t once you walk out of this nonsense.

Anyone have anything else to add?

Here is the clip from Wikipedia for those interested:

Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

Historically, the concept of codependence “comes directly out of Alcoholics Anonymous, part of a dawning realization that the problem was not solely the addict, but also the family and friends who constitute a network for the alcoholic.”[3] It was subsequently broadened to cover the way “that the codependent person is fixated on another person for approval, sustenance, and so on.”[3] As such, the concept overlaps with, but developed in the main independently from, the older psychoanalytic concept of the ‘passive dependent personality’ … attaching himself to a stronger personality.”[4]
Some would retain the stricter, narrower dictionary definition of codependency, which requires one person to be physically or psychologically addicted, such as to heroin, and the second person to be psychologically dependent on that behavior.[5]
Patterns and characteristics[edit]

Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. For example parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child’s needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels.[2] Generally a parent who takes care of their own needs (emotional and physical) in a healthy way will be a better caretaker, whereas a codependent parent may be less effective, or may even do harm to a child.[2] Another way to look at it is that the needs of an infant are necessary but temporary whereas the needs of the codependent are constant.
People who are codependent often take on the role of martyr; they constantly put others’ needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are “needed”; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the “victim”. When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.
Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree.[6] Indeed, from the standpoint of Attachment theory or Object relations theory, “to risk becoming dependent”[7] may be for the compulsively self-reliant a psychological advance, and “depending on a source outside oneself … successful, or tolerable, dependence” [8] may be valorized accordingly.

Main article: Narcissism
Narcissists, with their ability to “get others to buy into their vision and help them make it a reality,” are natural magnets for the “‘co-dependent’ … [with] the tendency to put others’ need before their own”.[9] Sam Vaknin considered that codependents, as “the Watsons of this world, ‘provide the narcissist with an obsequious, unthreatening audience … the perfect backdrop.'”[10] Among the reciprocally locking interactions of the pair, are the way “the narcissist has an overpowering need to feel important and special, and the co-dependent has a strong need to help others feel that way. … The narcissist overdoes self-caring and demands it from others, while the co-dependent underdoes or may even do almost no self-caring.”[11]
In psychoanalytic terms, the narcissist “who manifests such ‘omnipotent’ behaviour and who seems to be especially ‘independent’ exerts an especially fascinating effect on all … dependent persons … [who] struggle to participate in the ‘omnipotent’ narcissist’s power”:[12] narcissist and codependent “participate together in a form of an ego-defense system called projective identification.”[13]
Alan Rappoport identifies codependents of narcissists as “co-narcissists.”[14] According to Richard Rappaport, “the codependent narcissist gives up his or her own needs to feed and fuel the needs of the other.”[15]
Inverted narcissists[edit]
Sam Vaknin—”a self-help author who openly discusses his experiences as a person with narcissistic personality disorder”[16]—has identified a special sub-class of such codependents as “inverted narcissists.”
Inverted or “covert” narcissists are people who are “intensely attuned to others’ needs, but only in so far as it relates to [their] own need to perform the requisite sacrifice”—an “inverted narcissist, who ensures that with compulsive care-giving, supplies of gratitude, love and attention will always be readily available … [pseudo-]saintly.”[17] Vaknin considered that “the inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent … the child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent’s personality.”
In everyday life, the inverted narcissist “demands anonymity … uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him … [with] praise that cannot be deflected.” Recovery means the ability to recognize the self-destructive elements in one’s character structure, and to “develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself.”[citation needed]

There are various recovery paths for individuals who struggle with codependency.
For example, some may choose behavioral psychotherapy, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy for accompanying depression.
There also exist support groups for codependency, such as Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), Al-Anon/Alateen, Nar-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the twelve-step program model of Alcoholics Anonymous and also Celebrate Recovery a Christian, Bible-based group. Although the term codependency originated outside of twelve-step groups, it is now a common concept in many of them.[18]
Often an important result of a Family Intervention is to highlight codependent behaviors of various family members. This is sometimes a great help in encouraging the codependent person to accept help.
Many self-help guides have been written on the subject of codependency. One of the first was Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, published in 1987. Beattie has since written several other books on the subject. Other authors include Pia Mellody (Facing Co-dependence) and Shirley Smith (Set Yourself Free).
Harmful effects of unaddressed codependency[edit]

Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors.[19] People with codependency are also more likely to attract further abuse from aggressive individuals, more likely to stay in stressful jobs or relationships, less likely to seek medical attention when needed and are also less likely to get promotions and tend to earn less money than those without codependency patterns.[19]
For some, the social insecurity caused by codependency can progress into full-blown social anxiety disorders like social phobia, avoidant personality disorder or painful shyness.[19] Other stress-related disorders like panic disorder, depression or PTSD may also be present.[19]

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