Does it matter?
This is for the woman that keeps emailing me about her ex husband. She has written to me a few times, and I haven’t done a blog about it because talking about divorce crap is a big ole downer. But because you are being persistent I will go there.
Her email was about how upsetting it is for her that she has children with someone who is now really mean to her. He says he doesn’t like or respect her and wishes she would just get on with her life. She says she isn’t trying to hang onto him, she just wants to make a fun peaceful friendship for the sake of the kids. She reached out to me hoping I may have some advice on how to make a friendship work with an ex.
Sorry sweetie. You may have come to the wrong place. I am nothing less then a drill sergeant about this stuff because empathy and compassion just keep you in the muck. You are clinging to a “story” you are trying to create rather than the reality. Someone is telling you they don’t like you or respect you. That is not your friend and never could be. Move on. The fact that you have written me several letters about this topic goes to show you are desperate to fit a square peg in a round hole.
So let’s look at this pragmatically. I think the actual truth of the situation will set you free if you are brave enough to go there in your mind.
I unfortunately have found the notion of friends is often unrealistic, unless you truly do like one another. If you don’t, and you said it yourself, he very clearly said he does not like you, then take him at his word. Divorce yourself from him. Focus on your kids, not him.
The simple process to rid yourself of these feelings I have found for most people is to start by reminding yourself of your part. By doing that, even if your part is picking someone like that in the first place, that is something to hold yourself accountable for. The more you hold yourself accountable the more you will work on what you need to work on and stop focusing on someone else who doesn’t give a shit about you. No matter what it was like when you were married, it doesn’t matter. The moment someone says, “I don’t like you or want you around…” believe them and go away. Show some self respect rather than complaining about the loss of them.
Then remind yourself that the person you are now estranged from is not going to think like you so stop wishing they would. Even go so far as to self diagnose them with some condition then read up on it. It doesn’t mean you are right, you aren’t a doctor, but if you give them label like say, “sociopath” then read up on it, there are many instructions on how to handle a sociopath. Do those suggestions. Those suggestions would say, “get professional help for yourself, cease contact with the sociopath if it’s possible, and don’t try to change them because it won’t work.” I’m not saying your ex IS a sociopath, nor should you assume you are skilled enough to diagnose him yourself, but by labeling him in your mind, there is at least the possibility of you coming to terms with it so you can move on.
In my opinion your ex is giving you a gift. He is being honest with you. That is worth a tremendous amount.
And my last thing to talk about is you said he is in a new relationship and you think that has something to do with it.
Does it matter? If he was friendlier when she wasn’t around does it make his words any less real now? Perhaps he tolerated you when he was single, but now he doesn’t want to anymore. Either way you didn’t mean that much to him. That is the truth. If you did, your friendship would still be there.
I know this blog will seem hurtful but your emails unfortunately screamed at me that you need some tough love. If I am wrong, then please go talk to a professional at least once. Either way it does sound like you could use some professional help.
Anyone else have anything to add feel free… but please avoid giving her helpful tips on how to win over a man who has told her he doesn’t want her around. That is feeding codependency which is really not a good idea. Also avoid assuming he is the bad guy and she is the good guy. I have found most of us are not that black and white. If you have ever been in this situation, what helped you out of it? Feeling sorry for yourself or getting real with yourself?